Trim The Fat And Keep The Marrow

As they mature, writers learn to trim the fat from their work. We can't (and don't all want to) write as sparingly as Hemingway, but most of us stuff sentences with too many words. Too often, such writing bores readers. When that happens, they won't remember your work for its lyric qualities.

Make your writing's clarity and pace prevail by eliminating unnecessary phrases, boring adjectives and words that distance readers from immediately experiencing what's written—so-called "filter" words. Typically, writers insert these troublemakers without thinking. And editors chop them out.

Adjectives, adverbs and other "helping words" are tricky—you don't want to overdo it and kill them all, risking the destruction of style and voice. Since characters sometimes talk that way, writers must respect it and use them then. But be honest: we use them way too often.

Filter words distance readers from your character's thoughts by inserting his or her thought process into the sentence. Unconsciously, the writer "filters" what's going on through a character's eyes, instead of letting the reader experience it directly.

An example: "He was hungry, so he thought he'd just walk over to the refrigerator and open the door, thinking maybe he could find some nice rutabagas for dinner."

That's a bit much. But you can train your ear to detect what needs to be cut—"He was," "open the door," "thinking maybe" etc., are wordy additions to good, clean writing. How about:

"Hungry, he ambled over to the refrigerator and stared inside. Maybe he'd find some nice rutabagas for dinner."

Or even, "Hungry, he looked in the fridge for some nice rutabagas. Ummm... great for dinner."

What we have is personality, clarity, crispness. And some idiot who loves rutabagas. We don't have to know what the character is thinking to experience it. Sure, you can indulge once in awhile. But insert a plethora of wordiness into your story and it's ruined.

Another example: "I see the fog rolling onto the beach, and feel its moist coldness."

How about: "The fog rolls across the beach, its clammy fingers raising goosebumps on my skin."

Here's a list of filters to consider. Do you know how to replace them in your writing? You probably can do it rather well, with a little practice:

I see ...

I watch ...
I feel ...
I hear ...
I want ...
I know ...
I wonder ...
He/she looks and sees ...
He decides ...
I realize ...
I looked ...
I notice ...
I noted ...

When you go through your writing and see these types of phrases, especially at the start of a sentence, consider whether you can rewrite it to eliminate that filtering step, and allow the reader to more directly experience the object at hand.

"I notice that he is shaking as he removes his overcoat, and wonder if I should offer him coffee." Can you fix it? Of course. Try "His hands shake as he strips off his overcoat. I offer him steaming coffee." Or, "Maybe a cup of coffee would help."

There are no rules about how you say it. Just eliminate the overblown portion of your sentences and let the reader experience things directly. When you reconsider the lazier parts of your sentences, you may discover pithy words you can use instead.

Ann Connery Frantz is a cofounder of Seven Bridge Writers Collaborative and a Lancaster-based writer-editor. She writes about books and book clubs in the Telegram & Gazette, and blogs at www.readitandreeap.blogspot.com.